ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
