how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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