My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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