My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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