sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
