someone get that fucking seahorse.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
