I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
