just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
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I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
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You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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