his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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