she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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