im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
