it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
