You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
