Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You work out of a Hotel?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
