Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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