he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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