Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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