What a fucking waste of an outfit
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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