Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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