how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
