I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
