im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
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he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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