i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
