i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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