he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Is it because I queefed?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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