Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
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Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
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The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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