Already got asked if we're dating
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
