I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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