And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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