11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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