They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
