it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
