she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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