she looked like the bat from fern gully.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
