So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
