In America we eat man semen.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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