I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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