She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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