It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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