Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
