Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
