i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
