dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
