They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
