i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
