WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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