her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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