took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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