So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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