i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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