I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
