i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
