I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
