Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
