If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
