NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
