The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
