If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Semen is not good for contacts.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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