Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm just crazy horny about you
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I see more hoeing in ur future
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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