He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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