john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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