I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
