haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
